What am I worth? (Synchronicity preview)

Many places in my life in the last few weeks someone has put some kind of value or asked me to put a number value on me as a person. It shook me to the core every time it happened. I am not something to be put into a numeric value. Maybe it scares me to think of myself as a cash cow. Put to slaughter for a price. One was for life insurance and disability insurance our yearly meeting with the same smiling face. She loves me I add more every year paranoid that someone will get hurt or goddess forbid die. I with having Epilepsy I constantly worry about my long term health. It's under control now, but I was told as a child I would outgrow it too. So here was the first place someone asked me to pick my big worth.

As I am applying for jobs or more like browsing the job market. I cannot say there has been much that screams LEAVE WHAT YOU HAVE! yet. But here is another place where they want you to say what you are worth. And it's some weird pissing game, that I don't understand. You don't want to put a salary too low and look desperate but you don't want to put too high either. But some people say over confident does win because it sells a demeanor that the upper management wants in an employee. I am just honest and put the amount I need to leave my current position for that position. I am not a good liar or negotiator. I am better to just put it out there and if you dig my vibe then we can work together. That is how I am playing this, I am looking for my bliss work related and I think it will find me when I find it.

My husband asked me what I thought I was worth for all the thoughts, ideas, jobs, all the potential in me what I could be worth. He had a number for himself and I waited and spit out some random number like $50,000 and I really have no idea where I came up with this number because I was just so taken back by the thought of quantifying my creativity and productivity into a number. Sometime since the birth of my kids, I had the revelation that the real currency in life was time. If we were to give people real gifts, it should be vouchers for our time and we should hold fast to meet face to face with people. Time is our most precious gift; One I have tried to give to my kids as often as they have allowed me. There have been people in my life I have been shamefully selfish with my time and my belly aches over those losses. But I have today. And I have time. I have no other value to speak of but I have time.

What do we want in life?

Warning-- adult language-- mom's mouth will slip past appropriate.

We tell our kids the letter A on a papers, will lead to a treasure map of colleges and eager to offer pretty colors to study at their square buildings for four to twelve years, all the while praying they figure out what they really want-- to work, achieve and choose their future and not let the future choose them. History has shown that not all successful people got great grades in school and some do not even graduate. And I am not even touching the issue of what a college education cost a student nowadays. Am I advocating for dropping out? No. Not in the least. But instead thinking about how we decide what is best for us in our lives and how we figure out those things.

I am figuring out how my happiness is internal, some external but not material.

We have all know sublimely happy people. They radiate sunshine out every orifice even when they have the flu. I love these people and have always wanted to add an ounce of this sublime happy to the cocktail that is Dany. But instead of seeking this liquor I have actively for over two years been trying to pick their brains to find out what it is that keeps them looking for the pot of gold and not seeing the muddy poop slosh their standing in.

Happy people don't make excuses.

Happy People are looking forward to everything because if you are always looking back you will probably be smacked in the face with a beam. (Where did that stage come from? Dang Easter Bunny.)

Copyright--VIEWASKEW; kEVINSMITH, mallrats


I want a clean house when I come home.
I want time to write and or create something every day.
I want to meditate.
I want to see or be part of the joy in my families lives.

My mind instantly went to a list of things I want to remove from my life. But to write them keeps them solid in reality and I would rather not give them any more life than the habits they are already in my psyche. '

I am thankful for if even one of you read my ramblings. They are helping me. And I don't just do them for my own selfish reasons. I think if I am thinking this way maybe one other person may also be like. Fuck this is hard.